Warning: this recipe will induce napping

I’d be hard pressed to call this pizza anything but vegetarian junk food. Good ol’ sweet ‘n savory turbo-carbo-charged junk food. It’s pretty amazing. I’m not suggesting you eat it everyday, but after a week of salads and bean soup it’s a perfect blast of flavor and fat that will leave you comatose for approximately one hour afterward.

Look, I know you’re going to make this pizza anyway but be forewarned: fluff your pillows, knock the extra shoes and clotheshangers off the couch, scootch your dinner plate to the middle of the table ’cause within a hour your whole body will be in such a state of bliss you’ll fall asleep wherever you happen to be. Here’s a list of places I’ve fallen asleep due entirely to the deliciousness of this pizza:

1. my bed
2. my couch (It’s small and has a crack exactly where you don’t want it)
3. someone else’s bed
4. Broadway & Canal

Ok, I didn’t really fall asleep at Broadway & Canal. It’s called comic exaggeration, people, and furthermore falling asleep on a Chinatown sidewalk is not only dangerous but you’d be libel to wake up with a faux Prada bag on your arm and that’s just tacky.
But, boring as the other 3 are they are at least true and if there’s anything I like to give you here at Vanesscipes.com, besides wonderful vegetarian food for thought, it’s the truth.

And truthfully, this is good pizza.

Serves: 4 realistically, 6 if you make a good side salad
Time: 40 minutes assuming a store-bought crust

BBQ “Chik’n” Pizza

2 12-14 inch pizza crusts – homemade (see below) or purchased
1 1/2 10oz boxes chik’n nuggets, so about 15oz of nuggets
about 2 cups of your favorite BBQ sauce, flavored with some orange zest if you’d like
1 red onion
2 green peppers, sliced
small jar of sliced jalapenos, to taste
1 brick of mozzarella cheese, grated

Make (or unpackage) your pizza crust. I’m a sworn fan of this wheat crust from Allrecipes. The wheat even gives this pizza a semblance of health, which, of course, is completely misleading.

Cook the chik’n nuggets using your preferred method (I actually use a skillet, which is not, I noticed, a method mentioned on the box) until just more than thawed. Slice each nugget into 3 or 4 pieces and toss these with some BBQ sauce.

Brush a thin layer of BBQ sauce on your pizza crust. If using a homemade crust pay extra close attention not to use too much lest you end up with a soggy crust.

Then, top your pizza. I put the chik’n on first, then load on the onions and green peppers before daintily placing the jalapenos so I’m assured a small taste of one, but not more, in every bite. But I like things spicy, you can do as you please.

Then, sprinkle on a hardy amount of cheese and bake in a preheated 425 degree oven for about 20 minutes.

Set your alarm for about an hour and a half from now so you don’t oversnoose.

And the voice said:::::::::::::::

Let There Be Brunch

Saturday, March 3, 2007
Paris London New York
285 Kent Ave #2
Brooklyn, NY 11211

RSVP and Info: vanesscipes@gmail.com

12 noon until 4pm (food will be served until it runs out or until 3pm)

very very veggie vegan freelance

Succulent and sassy food concoctions by Vanessa and Li’l D from vanesscipes.com with special assistance from Jocelyn.
Fine pastries by the fine Lasley of Flour Shop
Jed will wear a plastic apron with strawbreeze on it..!!! (for no extra charge)

musicals by : Unicornicopia also a special guests

New Age Swiss Chalet Installation by Kiln Design

We kindly ask that you RSVP by 5pm Thursday, March 1st - so that we may properly prepare enough food.
$12 - includes brunch, unlimited coffee, and performance

we have mimosa + mary blood too - xtra.

A long time ago, so long ago I can’t hardly remember, I read a recipe for a soup called Veronica’s Lake. The chef was…wait for it… Veronica Lake. Look, I don’t even know who she is. But she’s famous. And she made a vegetable soup that looked like a lake.

Since I can’t remember what was in Veronica’s Lake, I get to make different soup, pick the ingredients, and name the soup… wait for it… “Vanessa’s Lake.” I wanted this soup to be a nice, misty green… like fog kissing a forest pond at sunrise.

I was simultaneously intrigued by the Amateur Gourmet’s call-to-arms for photos of blue foods. If I was making a lake, why not make it a blue lake? But blueberries didn’t belong in a root-and-shoot soup. Blue potatoes seemed too purple. Blue corn chips… too easy.

Then I recalled a bit of food lore I read a few months ago in the New York Times - that garlic turns blue under certain conditions. I dug the article up again (here from a different site,) followed the instructions, and holy blue cow! Garlic does turn blue:

I figured I could top Vanessa’s Lake with some blue garlic oil and, like an Indian tarka, it would add the last wallop of flavor.

However, the Amateur Gourmet is onto someting… the moldy blue color looked downright gross on my lovely spring-moss soup. I mean, doesn’t it look frighteningly like Smurf-Berry Crunch? It’s practically the color of chewed cardboard. Not that I’ve ever chewed cardboard, though I had a gerbil once that was quite fond of it.

My advice is to make Vanessa’s Lake, savor the rich winter-to-spring soup and forget about eating blue.

Time: 1 hour
Serves: 4 - 6

Vanessa’s Lake

3 medium leeks, sliced
olive oil
4 1/2 cups water or broth
1 bunch asparagus, cut into half inch chunks
2 potatoes, peeled and diced
1 1/2 tsp Herbes de Provence or a combo of rosemary, thyme and basil
2 Tbsp rice wine vinegar
1 can white beans, drained and rinsed
1 can artichokes in water, drained and rinsed
salt and white pepper to taste
basil chiffonade or blue garlic to top

Add a long pour of olive oil to a big soup pot. Toss in the sliced leeks and cook until wilted, about 12 minutes.

Then add the broth, asparagus, herbs and vinegar. Bring to a simmer and cook for about 15 minutes or until the potatoes are tender.

Take off the heat. Add the beans and artichokes and blend in batches in a blender, food processor, or using an immersion blender, taking care not to splatter the hot soup on your pants because it will scald you right through your jeans. Ahem.

Return the puree to low heat, adjusting the seasonings with salt and white pepper.

Ladle into bowls. Top with a chiffonade of basil or blue garlic paste. You can make blue garlic paste by blending (in a blender or similar) a few old cloves of garlic with an equal amount of minced onion. Stir in a small saucepan over low heat. Keep stirring, be patient, and your garlic will start turning greenish-grey then greenish-bluish grey. Viola! A perfectly edible, perfectly revolting topping.

And now for something completely different; a totally unseasonal dessert that is not particularity quick or easy to make.

Don’t worry – this is a vegan Pina Colada Ice “Cream” and I’ll provide a hint on how to make the recipe quite a bit easier.

Sort of like Christmas-in-July, the sisters and I experienced some summer-in-February during a visit to our dad’s in Florida this weekend. Whilst lolling about in the 72 degree sunshine, The Li’l Sis and I got to reminiscing about tropical drinks, speaking in great detail about a particular Pina Colada she had on Roatan, an island off of Honduras.

She said that “there was a rickety stand on the beach where an old lady made amazing Pina Coladas with only a regular kitchen blender, coconuts, pineapples, and some rum.” I was a bit skeptical, thinking that there had to be more to it than that. The only thing The Li’l Sis couldn’t figure out was how the Pina Colada lady got the extension cord for the blender to run the whole way out to the beach.

Following our estimation of the beach lady’s technique, we created a Pina Colada mix that was too textured for a smooth summer drink but upon freezing made an excellent and satisfying vegan ice “cream.”

Here’s what you do:

Gathering the following:

a whole, shell-on coconut.* you’ll use 2/3 of it
1 fresh pineapple
some of your favorite rum (you can sub pineapple or orange juice)
1/2 lime
a little salt
honey, optional

Take your cute little coconut and, with a hammer and nail, pound a couple of holes in its indentations. Drain and reserve the liquid that comes out.
Now smash the heck out the coconut. This is much more fun when done outside in one’s bathing suit with sunglasses as protective eyewear.
Pry the coconut meat out of the shell with a flathead screwdriver or similar. Keep doing this until you’ve hurt yourself and have to stop OR until you’ve gotten 2/3 of the meat out of the shell.
Now for the REALLY tedious part: using a paring knife, remove the last of the brown skin from the outside of the coconut meat. You want your coconut to blend up the color of a white sand Caribbean beach, not look all brown and junky like Rockaway.
Put your coconut meat in a blender and whip it up as much as possible, using the reserved coconut juice as liquid to facilitate the blending.
*you can totally skip this whole step and use a can of coconut cream instead

Now, take your pineapple and whack off the frilly top. Same to the bottom, minus the frilly. Sheering down the sides with your knife, slice off all the skin. Cut the naked pineapple in half lengthwise and then in half again so you have 4 long thin pieces. Core the pineapple by cutting away the “V” portion of each of the 4 pieces. Then dice up the pineapple.

Add the diced pineapple and a good cup of rum or juice to the blender, along with the lime and salt. You can add some honey if your pineapple isn’t particularly ripe or if you like things sweet.
Blend it all up.

Pour into a container and let freeze. It will be easier to scoop out if you stir the slush a few times during the freezing process but just letting it freeze and then unthaw for 10 minutes before you eat it works too.

Serve with blackberries and sunblock.

This is truly becoming a game of tag. Last week I was near-simultaneously tagged by Catherine of Albion Cooks and Kathryn of Limes and Lycopene for the Five Things You Didn’t Know About Me(me). And since I’ve taken so long to post I was tagged again, this time by Vanessa of the wonderful Wisconson-based blog What Geeks Eat. I swear I haven’t been “it” so much since a kindergarten game of freeze tag.

I’ve got a pretty loose tongue but I think I can muster up 5 new things to divulge. I’ve numbered them for convenience.

(1) Just like the cute-kids-in-overalls clothing company OshKosh B’gosh, I was founded in OshKosh, Wisconsin. Not only is OshKosh home to the annual aviation celebration Airventure, “the aviation world’s family reunion,” but it is geographically situated on beautiful lake Winnebago, which does not appear to have anything to do with the motor home brand of the same name.

(2) My most typo’d word is “minute.” I almost always spell it “mintue.” Has anyone read Miss Wyoming by Douglas Coupland? There’s an excellent bit where they hunt down the grandma by tracking her consistent misspellings and typing foibles.

(3) In Miss Wyoming there is also a vegetarian character named Vanessa who is a fan of the “obscure” movie Koyaanisqatsi. I’m a vegetarian Vanessa and am also a fan of Koyaanisqatsi. Unfortunately any resemblance to me is completely unintentional, as I’ve never met Douglas Coupland, though I wish I had.

(4) I can fold my tongue the other way. Front-to-back rather than sides-up. Less like a taco, more like a French omelet.

(5) When the going gets tough, I like to hum the theme song from “Dallas.”

Phewww. Now it’s your turn. I’ve tagged:

Chris from the wonderful vegan blog Eat Air
Rae from the pretty pretty veggie blog Bunnyfoot
Cathy, from a blog that is very dear to my own heart, Not Eating Out in New York
Melody from the addictive and homey veggie blog Melomeals
The dynamic Karina from [Gluten Free] Goddess